Hillary Clinton Nominated Top Secretary: Obama Sweetens Deal with Shiny Typewriter

WASHINGTON — President-elect Barak Obama called for “new Washington administration” on Monday as he formally introduced his national security and administrative team. At the helm was his nominee for Secretary of State, New York Senator Hillary Clinton. The two fought bitterly over the democratic nomination earlier this year but Obama seems to have to finally recognizing her laundry list of credentials. Eager to have her in his cabinet, he formally nominated her on Monday and offered her a very shiny typewriter to seal the deal.

It should be noted that Secretary of State is the highest secretarial position in the United States, if not the world. It’s reserved for a very talented person with 10+ years experience in political offices, who has the swiftest of typing skills, and the organization of a robot.

Many have criticized Obama’s nomination of Clinton, saying, “There is too much rivalry between the two…when she takes notes, she might not write down the stuff she doesn’t agree with.” However, Obama has been firm in his nomination; Mrs. Clinton now must decide if she will leave her post as New York Senator. An analyst from Fox News said, “Well, she’ll be on the road a lot, and she has an unmarried daughter. She has got to ask herself, ‘Can I be a career woman and a mother and a wife?’”

Well, Obama believes she can and says he “admires her experience, wisdom, and incredible multi-tasking skills. Though she’s not so great with Excel, she is a wiz with memos.” Hillary has spent the last 36 years of her career perfecting her attention to detail and courteous phone voice in such stints as Yale Law School, being the Chair of the Children's Defense Fund, and as Senator of New York. She was called “one of the more important scholar-activists of the last two decades” by historian Garry Wills, in reference to her warm motherly advice and groundbreaking work surrounding children’s rights.

Though the economic recession means she will be taking a pay cut (as compared with Colin Powell and his predecessors) Obama is confident that her millionaire husband will be able to support the family. There is also added overtime that has loosely been described as janitorial. “There is a great big mess in the Middle East, and if you need a few more hours, well then you’re welcome to start cleaning,” Obama reportedly said in a closed meeting with her Thursday.

New McCain Strategy: Dinosaurs

With 24 hours to the election, McCain announced that he has "had it up to here," at which point he attempted to raise his hands above his head. "Ok maybe just to here,” he said with his arms extended in front of him, “but I’m willing to try plan D in order to win this election". The failure of his negative campaign tactics and poor handling of the economic crisis has prompted him to go back to his roots—being a crazy Vietnam vet.

“No one can win a war like John McCain…No one,” he announced at a press conference this afternoon. Senior McCain/Palin officials have already started a fresh batch of robocalls and commercials which paint McCain as a chiseled war hero who can take on more terrorists than Steven Seagal. “Our latest intelligence reveals that terrorists are multiplying and frothing at the mouth and in an effort to calm terrified Americans, I have suspended my campaign and flown to Washington to prove to the American people that I am not quitter and that I intend to defeat the hell out this enemy.”

After remembering the success of the 2004 elections, strategists have decided that terrorists, not the economy, are the number one issue for Americans. In the press conference, General Petraus, himself, confirmed that America is facing a new chapter in the war. “There is a new breed of enemy has transformed from regular freedom-hating radicals to ultra-radicals that cause bystanders to instantaneously hate all that is pure and free in this world…remember 28 Days Later? Kind of like that” he explained.

McCain gave more details on our new predicament in the Middle East, “Unfortunately, the terrorists have mutated from a simple Axis of Evil into Super-Villains, who have an unquenchable thirst for destruction. Our only chance of stopping the hate spoors from reaching America is to release the ultimate fighting machine... T-Rex."

President Bush has thrown his power behind the plan saying, “Our last hope of ensafening the Middle East and securing McCain’s seat in office is to let T-Rex do justice unto the people of Iraq.” As of this morning, scientists have unveiled their genetically re-created dinosaurs who have already begun intensive dissident eating training.

Bush Endorses Obama; How Typical

Just when Senator Barack Obama's lead in the polls and popularity seemed out of control, McCain and Palin pull out their trump card. Is it luck, or is it just Team Maverick? Their campaign strategy of standing up to the greedy Washington elite with systematic fist shaking and crotchety reprimands have finally paid off. McCain's unique brand of ornery scolding has visibly flustered big-spending out-of-touch-politicians, driving notorious figures to publicly support a less righteous candidate. On Monday, President Bush shocked the world by endorsing Senator Obama, which resulted in an immediate boost in McCain’s sliding numbers in the polls.

The announcement came in the wake of a slew of endorsements for the highbrow Illinois senator. Critics claim that this will prove to the American people that McCain is a Washington-outsider who stands up to the business-as-always politicians, even republicans. “See! McCain really socked it to the pork-bellies this time, not even cronies like Powell and Bush like him,” said a Joel Smole, a senior McCain/Palin campaign strategist. “Polls show that 85% of voters will vote opposite of Bush. The Mavericks have out Mavericked themselves this time,” Smole explained with a smirk.

One of the most notable Obama endorsements came from former Secretary of State Colin Powell, one of the few members of the Bush cabinet who has retained credibility, despite his dark skin. McCain strategists were thrilled with his announcement until they noted that Powell got a little carried away by criticizing McCain’s erratic handling of the financial crisis and mean-spirited campaign tactics. Luckily, Powell was easily discredited seeing that he is clearly a reverse racist, a claim proven by his long-time friendship and association with Condoleezza Rice.

Other high profile republicans were quick to associate themselves with the likeminded power-monger Barack Obama. Conservative heavyweight, Ken Adelman, a long-time chum of Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Wolfowitz, plans to support a democrat for the first time in his life. “I never thought that a republican candidate would shake up Washington so much with his relentless pursuit of democracy and reform; I’m going for the most corrupt and egocentric candidate, Obama,” Adelman explained. This was just after Christopher Buckley cut ties with the National Review and nearly made his father rollover in his grave when he leaped “into the Barack Obama Bandwagon.” “McCain is a man of the people, a Joe the Plumber kind-of-guy. Sorry National Review, but I’m voting for a Washington-insider who panders to big lobbyists,” Buckley announced in The Daily Beast.

Many wonder if the freshly powdered McCain/Palin ticket is enough to win the election. With other Obama endorsements from degenerates like Eminem, power-hungry Eric Schmidt (CEO of Google), and the stereotypically rich-white-businessman Warren Buffet, many predict a landslide victory for McCain.

Bail Out Passes: Lucifer Foiled...This Time

On Thursday Democrats and Republicans were able to cross party lines and come together to bail out the failed US banking system. After Congress was unable to pass the $700 billion bill last week, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke warned of impending doom to all those who didn’t heed their predictions, which they divined in their super-complicated top-secret meetings. This week Congress finally stopped pointing fingers and asking questions in order pass a bill that will undoubtedly "shore-up" our economy and save every American from a lifetime of destitution and unspeakable pain.

After some powerful testimonials and speeches, both sides refrained from thinking through the bill any further. The American people had had enough of questions like, "How does this solve the root problems that caused this economic crash," and "Hasn't history shown that bail outs encourage a culture of corporate inefficiency and hinder our economy from healing in the long run?" Luckily, that kind of filibustering non-sense was left to sillies like Ron Paul who sadly was unable to attend after he wondered off and got stuck in a bathroom stall.

The most moving speeches came from some Lost Boys of Lehman Brothers. The Lost Boys had been spotted peddling designer suits and begging for gas to fill up their Maseratis all over Wall Street. They have become a symbol of the utter despair that has swept the American banking industry. "Why us? You saved everyone else, everyone not but us? Promise that you won't let another investment bank burn, never again, never again. Look what’s become of us, ohh the humanity," pleaded Richard Fuld (Chairman of Lehman Brothers), "Please Mr. Paulson, I'm sorry I didn't invite you to my Island in the Bahamas, I thought the government only gave 3 weeks vacation a year."

McCain was the first to express his gratitude for his own leadership in swooping in to save the economy. Just like he didn’t leave prison camp before all the other POWs were freed, he didn’t leave Washington until the bill was passed. Most notably he stalled his presidential campaign to convince his Republican and Democrat friends that the bill was essential in shoring-up the economy, saving those concerned about health care and Iraq, and guarding the middle class from the apocalypse. Sarah Palin, was quick to pipe up with her approval, "Senator McCain has rallied the big-wigs of Congress brought them together to divert the land from parting and the flames of hell from consuming us all." Though fiscal conservatives remain grumpy, their dreams of lowering the national deficit are no longer attainable; most have resigned to guffawing rudely and grumbling profanities.

Obama has also humbly taken a few crumbs of credit for the momentous passing of the bill, "This, America, is Change. The kind of Change that Bernanke can print at will...Mark my words, now the Fed's balance sheet will never be the same." Joe Biden, was also quick to back up his running mate by saying, “Don’t worry, America, there’s plenty more socialist reforms where that came from.”