Cold Theft of Warm Scarf

While attending a “We are Scientists” concert on Saturday night, Chad Sherry’s plum-rouge foncé Pashmina scarf was stolen from his person.

Of all his winter accessories, this scarf was his favorite. Its sumptuous polyester-wool blend was a treat for his bare and vulnerable neck. Sometimes, when he had to sit next to the cold door at a restaurant, he would drape the long scarf over his shoulders for warmth and sophistication. It should be noted that it’s exquisite plum-rouge foncé color accented his rosy cheeks, giving him a fresh English-School-Boy look. Once, he was stuck at an across-town bus stop for 2 hours in November; his hair became brittle in the cold so he wrapped that scarf around his head like a Russian Grandma—preventing his pomade from freezing.

Those days are through, thanks to some smelly hipster and his sick sense of humor. Chad arrived at the concert at 8:30 sharp, as not to disrespect the opening bands with a late entrance. He quickly regretted his manners when “Grandma’s Boy” screeched at him like a pack of banshees. His attire was meticulous—a grey cardigan with oversized pockets, layered over a white v-neck tee. It was appropriately drab and yearned to be accented with a splash of rich fall maroons, but he decided to put his scarf in his murse.

When “We are Scientist” came on, he grooved, bumping into the surrounding concert goers. He was surprised by the songs played, as he was under the impression the songs were by “Bloc Party” or really any other wailing Indie Rock band of the last 3 years. Chad was so surprised that he didn’t notice the hand of a grimy hipster fondling his scarf.

After the audience demanded and received its encore, Chad and his friends made for the coat check where they suited up for their journey to the next bar. It was then that Chad noticed a void in his murse—a cold leather hollow met his searching hand instead of a plush Pashmina.

Chad was scarfless.

New McCain Strategy: Dinosaurs

With 24 hours to the election, McCain announced that he has "had it up to here," at which point he attempted to raise his hands above his head. "Ok maybe just to here,” he said with his arms extended in front of him, “but I’m willing to try plan D in order to win this election". The failure of his negative campaign tactics and poor handling of the economic crisis has prompted him to go back to his roots—being a crazy Vietnam vet.

“No one can win a war like John McCain…No one,” he announced at a press conference this afternoon. Senior McCain/Palin officials have already started a fresh batch of robocalls and commercials which paint McCain as a chiseled war hero who can take on more terrorists than Steven Seagal. “Our latest intelligence reveals that terrorists are multiplying and frothing at the mouth and in an effort to calm terrified Americans, I have suspended my campaign and flown to Washington to prove to the American people that I am not quitter and that I intend to defeat the hell out this enemy.”

After remembering the success of the 2004 elections, strategists have decided that terrorists, not the economy, are the number one issue for Americans. In the press conference, General Petraus, himself, confirmed that America is facing a new chapter in the war. “There is a new breed of enemy has transformed from regular freedom-hating radicals to ultra-radicals that cause bystanders to instantaneously hate all that is pure and free in this world…remember 28 Days Later? Kind of like that” he explained.

McCain gave more details on our new predicament in the Middle East, “Unfortunately, the terrorists have mutated from a simple Axis of Evil into Super-Villains, who have an unquenchable thirst for destruction. Our only chance of stopping the hate spoors from reaching America is to release the ultimate fighting machine... T-Rex."

President Bush has thrown his power behind the plan saying, “Our last hope of ensafening the Middle East and securing McCain’s seat in office is to let T-Rex do justice unto the people of Iraq.” As of this morning, scientists have unveiled their genetically re-created dinosaurs who have already begun intensive dissident eating training.

Bush Endorses Obama; How Typical

Just when Senator Barack Obama's lead in the polls and popularity seemed out of control, McCain and Palin pull out their trump card. Is it luck, or is it just Team Maverick? Their campaign strategy of standing up to the greedy Washington elite with systematic fist shaking and crotchety reprimands have finally paid off. McCain's unique brand of ornery scolding has visibly flustered big-spending out-of-touch-politicians, driving notorious figures to publicly support a less righteous candidate. On Monday, President Bush shocked the world by endorsing Senator Obama, which resulted in an immediate boost in McCain’s sliding numbers in the polls.

The announcement came in the wake of a slew of endorsements for the highbrow Illinois senator. Critics claim that this will prove to the American people that McCain is a Washington-outsider who stands up to the business-as-always politicians, even republicans. “See! McCain really socked it to the pork-bellies this time, not even cronies like Powell and Bush like him,” said a Joel Smole, a senior McCain/Palin campaign strategist. “Polls show that 85% of voters will vote opposite of Bush. The Mavericks have out Mavericked themselves this time,” Smole explained with a smirk.

One of the most notable Obama endorsements came from former Secretary of State Colin Powell, one of the few members of the Bush cabinet who has retained credibility, despite his dark skin. McCain strategists were thrilled with his announcement until they noted that Powell got a little carried away by criticizing McCain’s erratic handling of the financial crisis and mean-spirited campaign tactics. Luckily, Powell was easily discredited seeing that he is clearly a reverse racist, a claim proven by his long-time friendship and association with Condoleezza Rice.

Other high profile republicans were quick to associate themselves with the likeminded power-monger Barack Obama. Conservative heavyweight, Ken Adelman, a long-time chum of Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Wolfowitz, plans to support a democrat for the first time in his life. “I never thought that a republican candidate would shake up Washington so much with his relentless pursuit of democracy and reform; I’m going for the most corrupt and egocentric candidate, Obama,” Adelman explained. This was just after Christopher Buckley cut ties with the National Review and nearly made his father rollover in his grave when he leaped “into the Barack Obama Bandwagon.” “McCain is a man of the people, a Joe the Plumber kind-of-guy. Sorry National Review, but I’m voting for a Washington-insider who panders to big lobbyists,” Buckley announced in The Daily Beast.

Many wonder if the freshly powdered McCain/Palin ticket is enough to win the election. With other Obama endorsements from degenerates like Eminem, power-hungry Eric Schmidt (CEO of Google), and the stereotypically rich-white-businessman Warren Buffet, many predict a landslide victory for McCain.

Cat Squashed by Car

Haddy "Fluffy Pants", born in a Tucson alley May, 2001 to Buttons and some one-eyed alley Calico, went suddenly to Jesus on October 16th, 2008. She was survived by her loving litters (from before she got fixed), One-eye Jr., Princess Lady Cat, Mr. Fraggle Tooth, Joe the Cat, Sparkles, Moses, Cuddles, and Steve; grandchildren, Bella, Mittens, Lucky, Sha-Ney-Ney, Trinity; Brother/Uncle Rocco. Most of all Haddy will be missed by her loving owner Mildred Pabelsmear, a lonely matron with an affinity for felines. Haddy had a rotund and docile countenance, perhaps due to her love of Fancy Feast and leisure. Thank you, Haddy, for your short life and sorry you got pancaked.

The following is a message from a reader. Her message is untouched--a plea to people everywhere to learn from Haddy’s oozing demise.

Hi Friends,

Last night I dealt with a small tragedy.

On my way home from the gala last night, I encountered some road kill. Normally, I would just drive by it--like anyone would--but when I passed it, I noticed it looked like something other than a squirrel or raccoon. That’s because it was a cat!!! It was really upsetting, and I really didn't want to just leave it there. After some thought, I decided to drive back around the block and investigate the accident scene.

So, I parked near the cat, and I looked it over. Next to its body lay its tags and its bell, which had been flattened in the hit and run. It was definitely dead and had blood coming from its mouth.

It was a sad sight, and I didn't want anyone else to squish its broken body even more. So, I decided that since it was domesticated, it was probably okay to pick it up and move it.

I picked it up. It was still (sniff, sniff) warm. I was contemplating where to put when I decided to just lay it on the grass near where it was hit. I was going to call the owner listed on the tag when a girl came out of a nearby apartment. She said, "What is it? What was hit?" I said, "Someone hit a cat." Another lady, clad in a moo-moo, came out behind her and said, "What cat?! Oh my god! That's Haddy!" She ran toward it, dropped to her knees, and started cradling its limp body. She was crying hysterically. At this point, I started crying myself. I couldn't take it! What a poor kitty!

Lessons learned:If you have a domesticated animal, never let it out of your sight, or it could die under the cold cold wheels of a car.

If you are a driver, don’t be an irresponsible jerk or you’ll have God to answer to.

Signed,

A Cat Lady