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Hillary Clinton Nominated Top Secretary: Obama Sweetens Deal with Shiny Typewriter

WASHINGTON — President-elect Barak Obama called for “new Washington administration” on Monday as he formally introduced his national security and administrative team. At the helm was his nominee for Secretary of State, New York Senator Hillary Clinton. The two fought bitterly over the democratic nomination earlier this year but Obama seems to have to finally recognizing her laundry list of credentials. Eager to have her in his cabinet, he formally nominated her on Monday and offered her a very shiny typewriter to seal the deal.

It should be noted that Secretary of State is the highest secretarial position in the United States, if not the world. It’s reserved for a very talented person with 10+ years experience in political offices, who has the swiftest of typing skills, and the organization of a robot.

Many have criticized Obama’s nomination of Clinton, saying, “There is too much rivalry between the two…when she takes notes, she might not write down the stuff she doesn’t agree with.” However, Obama has been firm in his nomination; Mrs. Clinton now must decide if she will leave her post as New York Senator. An analyst from Fox News said, “Well, she’ll be on the road a lot, and she has an unmarried daughter. She has got to ask herself, ‘Can I be a career woman and a mother and a wife?’”

Well, Obama believes she can and says he “admires her experience, wisdom, and incredible multi-tasking skills. Though she’s not so great with Excel, she is a wiz with memos.” Hillary has spent the last 36 years of her career perfecting her attention to detail and courteous phone voice in such stints as Yale Law School, being the Chair of the Children's Defense Fund, and as Senator of New York. She was called “one of the more important scholar-activists of the last two decades” by historian Garry Wills, in reference to her warm motherly advice and groundbreaking work surrounding children’s rights.

Though the economic recession means she will be taking a pay cut (as compared with Colin Powell and his predecessors) Obama is confident that her millionaire husband will be able to support the family. There is also added overtime that has loosely been described as janitorial. “There is a great big mess in the Middle East, and if you need a few more hours, well then you’re welcome to start cleaning,” Obama reportedly said in a closed meeting with her Thursday.

Cold Theft of Warm Scarf

While attending a “We are Scientists” concert on Saturday night, Chad Sherry’s plum-rouge foncé Pashmina scarf was stolen from his person.

Of all his winter accessories, this scarf was his favorite. Its sumptuous polyester-wool blend was a treat for his bare and vulnerable neck. Sometimes, when he had to sit next to the cold door at a restaurant, he would drape the long scarf over his shoulders for warmth and sophistication. It should be noted that it’s exquisite plum-rouge foncé color accented his rosy cheeks, giving him a fresh English-School-Boy look. Once, he was stuck at an across-town bus stop for 2 hours in November; his hair became brittle in the cold so he wrapped that scarf around his head like a Russian Grandma—preventing his pomade from freezing.

Those days are through, thanks to some smelly hipster and his sick sense of humor. Chad arrived at the concert at 8:30 sharp, as not to disrespect the opening bands with a late entrance. He quickly regretted his manners when “Grandma’s Boy” screeched at him like a pack of banshees. His attire was meticulous—a grey cardigan with oversized pockets, layered over a white v-neck tee. It was appropriately drab and yearned to be accented with a splash of rich fall maroons, but he decided to put his scarf in his murse.

When “We are Scientist” came on, he grooved, bumping into the surrounding concert goers. He was surprised by the songs played, as he was under the impression the songs were by “Bloc Party” or really any other wailing Indie Rock band of the last 3 years. Chad was so surprised that he didn’t notice the hand of a grimy hipster fondling his scarf.

After the audience demanded and received its encore, Chad and his friends made for the coat check where they suited up for their journey to the next bar. It was then that Chad noticed a void in his murse—a cold leather hollow met his searching hand instead of a plush Pashmina.

Chad was scarfless.

New McCain Strategy: Dinosaurs

With 24 hours to the election, McCain announced that he has "had it up to here," at which point he attempted to raise his hands above his head. "Ok maybe just to here,” he said with his arms extended in front of him, “but I’m willing to try plan D in order to win this election". The failure of his negative campaign tactics and poor handling of the economic crisis has prompted him to go back to his roots—being a crazy Vietnam vet.

“No one can win a war like John McCain…No one,” he announced at a press conference this afternoon. Senior McCain/Palin officials have already started a fresh batch of robocalls and commercials which paint McCain as a chiseled war hero who can take on more terrorists than Steven Seagal. “Our latest intelligence reveals that terrorists are multiplying and frothing at the mouth and in an effort to calm terrified Americans, I have suspended my campaign and flown to Washington to prove to the American people that I am not quitter and that I intend to defeat the hell out this enemy.”

After remembering the success of the 2004 elections, strategists have decided that terrorists, not the economy, are the number one issue for Americans. In the press conference, General Petraus, himself, confirmed that America is facing a new chapter in the war. “There is a new breed of enemy has transformed from regular freedom-hating radicals to ultra-radicals that cause bystanders to instantaneously hate all that is pure and free in this world…remember 28 Days Later? Kind of like that” he explained.

McCain gave more details on our new predicament in the Middle East, “Unfortunately, the terrorists have mutated from a simple Axis of Evil into Super-Villains, who have an unquenchable thirst for destruction. Our only chance of stopping the hate spoors from reaching America is to release the ultimate fighting machine... T-Rex."

President Bush has thrown his power behind the plan saying, “Our last hope of ensafening the Middle East and securing McCain’s seat in office is to let T-Rex do justice unto the people of Iraq.” As of this morning, scientists have unveiled their genetically re-created dinosaurs who have already begun intensive dissident eating training.