Sanders has taken refuge in the safety of the underground metro stations where super sonic satellite beams cannot reach him. Though he doesn’t consider himself a hero, he has dedicated his life to warning the people of New York about the evils being done upon them by their very own elected officials, families, and anyone who wears a watch. “They have the computer chips…garble garble…in your credit cards and they are linked to Their underwater facilities in the Hudson,” he explained to reporters. “Radio Frequency Identification Detectors can read your mind…GET OFF MY BENCH whitie,” he relayed as large droplets of spittle were launched at reporters.
When Daily Grind got wind of the allegations espoused daily by Mr. Sanders, we had our unpaid intern investigate via the “inter-webs.” It wasn’t until she read multiple articles from sources such as New York Times, Scientific American, and US Weekly that she learned that RFIDs, phone-tracking technology, and satellites are not just instruments of wily science fiction writers—they are real. As it turns out, IBM has patented technology which will eventually track our every move! Our intern’s internet research also revealed that this technology is just a piece of IBM’s master plan to enslave humanity, bring it to its knees, and to finally be recognized as more than a just an old washed-up company with no good ideas. Whether IBM ever manages to not suck is unclear, but what is clear, is that Old Man Sanders deserves your doggie bag, not a dollar because he’ll spend it on booze, but seriously, give him that half sandwich.
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