Bush Endorses Obama; How Typical

Just when Senator Barack Obama's lead in the polls and popularity seemed out of control, McCain and Palin pull out their trump card. Is it luck, or is it just Team Maverick? Their campaign strategy of standing up to the greedy Washington elite with systematic fist shaking and crotchety reprimands have finally paid off. McCain's unique brand of ornery scolding has visibly flustered big-spending out-of-touch-politicians, driving notorious figures to publicly support a less righteous candidate. On Monday, President Bush shocked the world by endorsing Senator Obama, which resulted in an immediate boost in McCain’s sliding numbers in the polls.

The announcement came in the wake of a slew of endorsements for the highbrow Illinois senator. Critics claim that this will prove to the American people that McCain is a Washington-outsider who stands up to the business-as-always politicians, even republicans. “See! McCain really socked it to the pork-bellies this time, not even cronies like Powell and Bush like him,” said a Joel Smole, a senior McCain/Palin campaign strategist. “Polls show that 85% of voters will vote opposite of Bush. The Mavericks have out Mavericked themselves this time,” Smole explained with a smirk.

One of the most notable Obama endorsements came from former Secretary of State Colin Powell, one of the few members of the Bush cabinet who has retained credibility, despite his dark skin. McCain strategists were thrilled with his announcement until they noted that Powell got a little carried away by criticizing McCain’s erratic handling of the financial crisis and mean-spirited campaign tactics. Luckily, Powell was easily discredited seeing that he is clearly a reverse racist, a claim proven by his long-time friendship and association with Condoleezza Rice.

Other high profile republicans were quick to associate themselves with the likeminded power-monger Barack Obama. Conservative heavyweight, Ken Adelman, a long-time chum of Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Wolfowitz, plans to support a democrat for the first time in his life. “I never thought that a republican candidate would shake up Washington so much with his relentless pursuit of democracy and reform; I’m going for the most corrupt and egocentric candidate, Obama,” Adelman explained. This was just after Christopher Buckley cut ties with the National Review and nearly made his father rollover in his grave when he leaped “into the Barack Obama Bandwagon.” “McCain is a man of the people, a Joe the Plumber kind-of-guy. Sorry National Review, but I’m voting for a Washington-insider who panders to big lobbyists,” Buckley announced in The Daily Beast.

Many wonder if the freshly powdered McCain/Palin ticket is enough to win the election. With other Obama endorsements from degenerates like Eminem, power-hungry Eric Schmidt (CEO of Google), and the stereotypically rich-white-businessman Warren Buffet, many predict a landslide victory for McCain.

Cat Squashed by Car

Haddy "Fluffy Pants", born in a Tucson alley May, 2001 to Buttons and some one-eyed alley Calico, went suddenly to Jesus on October 16th, 2008. She was survived by her loving litters (from before she got fixed), One-eye Jr., Princess Lady Cat, Mr. Fraggle Tooth, Joe the Cat, Sparkles, Moses, Cuddles, and Steve; grandchildren, Bella, Mittens, Lucky, Sha-Ney-Ney, Trinity; Brother/Uncle Rocco. Most of all Haddy will be missed by her loving owner Mildred Pabelsmear, a lonely matron with an affinity for felines. Haddy had a rotund and docile countenance, perhaps due to her love of Fancy Feast and leisure. Thank you, Haddy, for your short life and sorry you got pancaked.

The following is a message from a reader. Her message is untouched--a plea to people everywhere to learn from Haddy’s oozing demise.

Hi Friends,

Last night I dealt with a small tragedy.

On my way home from the gala last night, I encountered some road kill. Normally, I would just drive by it--like anyone would--but when I passed it, I noticed it looked like something other than a squirrel or raccoon. That’s because it was a cat!!! It was really upsetting, and I really didn't want to just leave it there. After some thought, I decided to drive back around the block and investigate the accident scene.

So, I parked near the cat, and I looked it over. Next to its body lay its tags and its bell, which had been flattened in the hit and run. It was definitely dead and had blood coming from its mouth.

It was a sad sight, and I didn't want anyone else to squish its broken body even more. So, I decided that since it was domesticated, it was probably okay to pick it up and move it.

I picked it up. It was still (sniff, sniff) warm. I was contemplating where to put when I decided to just lay it on the grass near where it was hit. I was going to call the owner listed on the tag when a girl came out of a nearby apartment. She said, "What is it? What was hit?" I said, "Someone hit a cat." Another lady, clad in a moo-moo, came out behind her and said, "What cat?! Oh my god! That's Haddy!" She ran toward it, dropped to her knees, and started cradling its limp body. She was crying hysterically. At this point, I started crying myself. I couldn't take it! What a poor kitty!

Lessons learned:If you have a domesticated animal, never let it out of your sight, or it could die under the cold cold wheels of a car.

If you are a driver, don’t be an irresponsible jerk or you’ll have God to answer to.

Signed,

A Cat Lady

Bail Out Passes: Lucifer Foiled...This Time

On Thursday Democrats and Republicans were able to cross party lines and come together to bail out the failed US banking system. After Congress was unable to pass the $700 billion bill last week, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke warned of impending doom to all those who didn’t heed their predictions, which they divined in their super-complicated top-secret meetings. This week Congress finally stopped pointing fingers and asking questions in order pass a bill that will undoubtedly "shore-up" our economy and save every American from a lifetime of destitution and unspeakable pain.

After some powerful testimonials and speeches, both sides refrained from thinking through the bill any further. The American people had had enough of questions like, "How does this solve the root problems that caused this economic crash," and "Hasn't history shown that bail outs encourage a culture of corporate inefficiency and hinder our economy from healing in the long run?" Luckily, that kind of filibustering non-sense was left to sillies like Ron Paul who sadly was unable to attend after he wondered off and got stuck in a bathroom stall.

The most moving speeches came from some Lost Boys of Lehman Brothers. The Lost Boys had been spotted peddling designer suits and begging for gas to fill up their Maseratis all over Wall Street. They have become a symbol of the utter despair that has swept the American banking industry. "Why us? You saved everyone else, everyone not but us? Promise that you won't let another investment bank burn, never again, never again. Look what’s become of us, ohh the humanity," pleaded Richard Fuld (Chairman of Lehman Brothers), "Please Mr. Paulson, I'm sorry I didn't invite you to my Island in the Bahamas, I thought the government only gave 3 weeks vacation a year."

McCain was the first to express his gratitude for his own leadership in swooping in to save the economy. Just like he didn’t leave prison camp before all the other POWs were freed, he didn’t leave Washington until the bill was passed. Most notably he stalled his presidential campaign to convince his Republican and Democrat friends that the bill was essential in shoring-up the economy, saving those concerned about health care and Iraq, and guarding the middle class from the apocalypse. Sarah Palin, was quick to pipe up with her approval, "Senator McCain has rallied the big-wigs of Congress brought them together to divert the land from parting and the flames of hell from consuming us all." Though fiscal conservatives remain grumpy, their dreams of lowering the national deficit are no longer attainable; most have resigned to guffawing rudely and grumbling profanities.

Obama has also humbly taken a few crumbs of credit for the momentous passing of the bill, "This, America, is Change. The kind of Change that Bernanke can print at will...Mark my words, now the Fed's balance sheet will never be the same." Joe Biden, was also quick to back up his running mate by saying, “Don’t worry, America, there’s plenty more socialist reforms where that came from.”