Sleeper-Hold Bandit Caught

New York-- On Wednesday afternoon, 23 year-old Eddie Richards was taken into custody by the New York Police Department after over a month of complaints being submitted to NYPD and the local neighborhood watch. Richards had been classified as a level-two Bully after taking a Martial Arts class, learning the Sleeper Move, then trying it on locals.

As of early June, Richards took a Karate/Tae/Judokwondo or one of those Far East martial arts classes at the local YMCA. Though he was told that he would learn the “Three D's of Asian Fighting Arts” (Discipline, Determination, Danger), he actually learned none of them. He began his path down the path of mastering the Three D's Asian Fighting Arts with gusto when he was dubbed a Shiro-Obi, or, "white belt." By the third class, when he had not broken a cinder block with his bare hand or defeated a band of anonymous ninjas with some roundhouse kicks, he grew disillusioned. His instructor Ken Smith, it seemed, was more concerned with teaching safety and discipline, than actual Jackie Chan shit.

Richards began to realize that Ken was probably not going to impart any Mr. Miyagi wisdom onto him. "The only reason I came to the 4th class was cause chicks dig guys with ninja moves." It was also in the fourth class that the sub-par martial arts instructor, Ken, showed the group of yokels off the street, the Sleeper-Move. When Daily Grind Reporters asked Smith why he would teach the Sleeper Move to students who were not yet ripe for the forbidden fruits of ancient Judo moves, Smith replied, "I am just a teacher, I can’t make them learn anything, they do that themselves.” The manager of the YMCA chimed in, "These people are like bricks, the chances of them actually retaining information is very low. I think we should be amazed that that low-life Eddie as able to apply lessons to real life."

However, Eddie's 8 victims have expresses very different feelings. "I was selecting a deodorant at Walgreens when all of a sudden I hear 'Its pay-time Johnny,' then someone tries strangling me from behind...next thing I know, I wake up curled up on the floor clutching a stick of Old Spice," recounted Eddie's brother Johnny Richards. "He is an asshole and a loser," Johnny spouted.

Though no formal charges have been brought against Richards, "he is in for an ass-beating," explained neighbors and friends. It seems that justice has been taken into the hands of locals instead of burdening the over-crowded judicial system. Richard's mother agreed that community punishment is the way to go when she formally stated, "that dead-beat son of mine needs to a swift kick in the ass and a job."

10-Second Rule is Now the 2-Minute Rule

Tallahassee, Florida - Fifth-grader Andy Sanders of Kate Sullivan Elementary School, has extended the popular 10-Second Rule to 2 minutes. His discovery came after months of grueling lunch-time research that culminated in a first-place science project in December. Not only did he win first-place, but he also got a $50 gift certificate to the Discovery Store, where he has reportedly found nothing fun to buy.

When reporters tracked down the pudgy 11-year old, he was snacking on fruit-roll-ups and go-gurts in the playground, just like any normal kid; however, he is far from ordinary. Sanders has single-handedly thrown the world on its head with his breakthrough science, reevaluating the real-life usability of dropped food. Sanders knew in his gut that food dropped on the ground for more than 10 seconds was still fine to eat. He just needed the science to prove it to the world and to his persnickety mother. And that's exactly what young Sanders has accomplished.

Scientists everywhere are flabbergasted by Sanders' simple yet ingenious use of science. "What would take adults thousands of dollars in equipment and several working drafts of a scientifically formatted paper, Sanders has accomplished with packed lunches and big piece of cardboard with his magnificent methodology pasted to it," says Harry Birchenstienburg of Colombia University. "This discovery could very possibly solve the world's starvation problem. Most people starve due to strict adherence to the 10-second rule, but no more. Thank you Andy Sanders," said Ban Ki-moon, the United Nations Secretary General.

The methodology was a user-friendly system of direct sampling of foods that had spent varied times on the filthy floor of the school cafeteria. The recipient's bodily reaction was then analyzed by assigning categories such as "puking", "gagging", and "downing it." Some parents of the subjects involved in the experiment protested, claimed their children had reported upset stomachs. However, after the project blew the worlds’ mind, all angry phone calls to Sanders' mother and teacher were canceled.

Scientists Determine that Halloween is the Best Holiday

LONDON--The Cambridge Department of Holiday Excellence has released the findings of a three-year study. After an extensive evaluation of iconic holidays such as Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Eid Al-Kabir, and the Chinese New Year, it was decided that Halloween "is hands down the coolest day in on the celebratory calendar."

Professor Harry Foley, an acclaimed expert on sojourns and festivities, flew in from the south of France to partake in the historic holiday examinations. "I simply couldn't get into Christmas, too many expectations…get me presents, put up lights, be witty in front of relatives…it just wasn't merry," he explained. Foley did, however, favor Kwanza "I still don't really know what it involves, and I guess freedom is what I look for in merriment."

The five-member team of experts first met September of 2004 and has been heartily enjoying the holiday seasons since. While resting from the jamboree, the scientist poured over a 300-page report that outlines the pros and cons of every event. Some pros included bashes, gifts, and hugs, while cons included fruitcake, senile relatives, and the Wallgreens decoration aisle.

The decision to crown Halloween as the victorious holiday came only last Friday as the team met to discuss their upcoming costume selections. It was decided that Halloween is a day for all, whether it be the children, the elderly, the dead, middle aged couples who like to entertain, rowdy dudes, and girls who like to dress slutily sometimes. "I have already decorated my house with ghosts and gory dead-people. Then I will wait until dark, invite young children in and offer them a feast of candy," relayed one professor creepily.

When Halloween enthusiasts got wind of Cambridge's decision, The Daily Grind was there to get their reactions. "LOL, I can't wait to be like a sailor, except one that wears red fishnets and stiletto heals," said an Alpha Beta Phi member who is currently in the planning stages of "like the biggest Halloween party EVER." "Halloween is the only time anyone knocks on my door, I hope this article will increase this years number of visitors," said Dick Rodgers, who kind of looks like a pedophile. Another Halloween zealot has vowed to make this the best Halloween in the world's history as a commemoration of the holliday beating Christmas and Hanukah. She said, "I am going to wear the funniest costume, I haven't thought of it yet, but its gonna be soooo fuckin funny that you are going to shit your pants, dude...I mean literally."