Scientists Determine that Halloween is the Best Holiday

LONDON--The Cambridge Department of Holiday Excellence has released the findings of a three-year study. After an extensive evaluation of iconic holidays such as Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Eid Al-Kabir, and the Chinese New Year, it was decided that Halloween "is hands down the coolest day in on the celebratory calendar."

Professor Harry Foley, an acclaimed expert on sojourns and festivities, flew in from the south of France to partake in the historic holiday examinations. "I simply couldn't get into Christmas, too many expectations…get me presents, put up lights, be witty in front of relatives…it just wasn't merry," he explained. Foley did, however, favor Kwanza "I still don't really know what it involves, and I guess freedom is what I look for in merriment."

The five-member team of experts first met September of 2004 and has been heartily enjoying the holiday seasons since. While resting from the jamboree, the scientist poured over a 300-page report that outlines the pros and cons of every event. Some pros included bashes, gifts, and hugs, while cons included fruitcake, senile relatives, and the Wallgreens decoration aisle.

The decision to crown Halloween as the victorious holiday came only last Friday as the team met to discuss their upcoming costume selections. It was decided that Halloween is a day for all, whether it be the children, the elderly, the dead, middle aged couples who like to entertain, rowdy dudes, and girls who like to dress slutily sometimes. "I have already decorated my house with ghosts and gory dead-people. Then I will wait until dark, invite young children in and offer them a feast of candy," relayed one professor creepily.

When Halloween enthusiasts got wind of Cambridge's decision, The Daily Grind was there to get their reactions. "LOL, I can't wait to be like a sailor, except one that wears red fishnets and stiletto heals," said an Alpha Beta Phi member who is currently in the planning stages of "like the biggest Halloween party EVER." "Halloween is the only time anyone knocks on my door, I hope this article will increase this years number of visitors," said Dick Rodgers, who kind of looks like a pedophile. Another Halloween zealot has vowed to make this the best Halloween in the world's history as a commemoration of the holliday beating Christmas and Hanukah. She said, "I am going to wear the funniest costume, I haven't thought of it yet, but its gonna be soooo fuckin funny that you are going to shit your pants, dude...I mean literally."