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Hillary Clinton Nominated Top Secretary: Obama Sweetens Deal with Shiny Typewriter

WASHINGTON — President-elect Barak Obama called for “new Washington administration” on Monday as he formally introduced his national security and administrative team. At the helm was his nominee for Secretary of State, New York Senator Hillary Clinton. The two fought bitterly over the democratic nomination earlier this year but Obama seems to have to finally recognizing her laundry list of credentials. Eager to have her in his cabinet, he formally nominated her on Monday and offered her a very shiny typewriter to seal the deal.

It should be noted that Secretary of State is the highest secretarial position in the United States, if not the world. It’s reserved for a very talented person with 10+ years experience in political offices, who has the swiftest of typing skills, and the organization of a robot.

Many have criticized Obama’s nomination of Clinton, saying, “There is too much rivalry between the two…when she takes notes, she might not write down the stuff she doesn’t agree with.” However, Obama has been firm in his nomination; Mrs. Clinton now must decide if she will leave her post as New York Senator. An analyst from Fox News said, “Well, she’ll be on the road a lot, and she has an unmarried daughter. She has got to ask herself, ‘Can I be a career woman and a mother and a wife?’”

Well, Obama believes she can and says he “admires her experience, wisdom, and incredible multi-tasking skills. Though she’s not so great with Excel, she is a wiz with memos.” Hillary has spent the last 36 years of her career perfecting her attention to detail and courteous phone voice in such stints as Yale Law School, being the Chair of the Children's Defense Fund, and as Senator of New York. She was called “one of the more important scholar-activists of the last two decades” by historian Garry Wills, in reference to her warm motherly advice and groundbreaking work surrounding children’s rights.

Though the economic recession means she will be taking a pay cut (as compared with Colin Powell and his predecessors) Obama is confident that her millionaire husband will be able to support the family. There is also added overtime that has loosely been described as janitorial. “There is a great big mess in the Middle East, and if you need a few more hours, well then you’re welcome to start cleaning,” Obama reportedly said in a closed meeting with her Thursday.

Cold Theft of Warm Scarf

While attending a “We are Scientists” concert on Saturday night, Chad Sherry’s plum-rouge foncé Pashmina scarf was stolen from his person.

Of all his winter accessories, this scarf was his favorite. Its sumptuous polyester-wool blend was a treat for his bare and vulnerable neck. Sometimes, when he had to sit next to the cold door at a restaurant, he would drape the long scarf over his shoulders for warmth and sophistication. It should be noted that it’s exquisite plum-rouge foncé color accented his rosy cheeks, giving him a fresh English-School-Boy look. Once, he was stuck at an across-town bus stop for 2 hours in November; his hair became brittle in the cold so he wrapped that scarf around his head like a Russian Grandma—preventing his pomade from freezing.

Those days are through, thanks to some smelly hipster and his sick sense of humor. Chad arrived at the concert at 8:30 sharp, as not to disrespect the opening bands with a late entrance. He quickly regretted his manners when “Grandma’s Boy” screeched at him like a pack of banshees. His attire was meticulous—a grey cardigan with oversized pockets, layered over a white v-neck tee. It was appropriately drab and yearned to be accented with a splash of rich fall maroons, but he decided to put his scarf in his murse.

When “We are Scientist” came on, he grooved, bumping into the surrounding concert goers. He was surprised by the songs played, as he was under the impression the songs were by “Bloc Party” or really any other wailing Indie Rock band of the last 3 years. Chad was so surprised that he didn’t notice the hand of a grimy hipster fondling his scarf.

After the audience demanded and received its encore, Chad and his friends made for the coat check where they suited up for their journey to the next bar. It was then that Chad noticed a void in his murse—a cold leather hollow met his searching hand instead of a plush Pashmina.

Chad was scarfless.

New McCain Strategy: Dinosaurs

With 24 hours to the election, McCain announced that he has "had it up to here," at which point he attempted to raise his hands above his head. "Ok maybe just to here,” he said with his arms extended in front of him, “but I’m willing to try plan D in order to win this election". The failure of his negative campaign tactics and poor handling of the economic crisis has prompted him to go back to his roots—being a crazy Vietnam vet.

“No one can win a war like John McCain…No one,” he announced at a press conference this afternoon. Senior McCain/Palin officials have already started a fresh batch of robocalls and commercials which paint McCain as a chiseled war hero who can take on more terrorists than Steven Seagal. “Our latest intelligence reveals that terrorists are multiplying and frothing at the mouth and in an effort to calm terrified Americans, I have suspended my campaign and flown to Washington to prove to the American people that I am not quitter and that I intend to defeat the hell out this enemy.”

After remembering the success of the 2004 elections, strategists have decided that terrorists, not the economy, are the number one issue for Americans. In the press conference, General Petraus, himself, confirmed that America is facing a new chapter in the war. “There is a new breed of enemy has transformed from regular freedom-hating radicals to ultra-radicals that cause bystanders to instantaneously hate all that is pure and free in this world…remember 28 Days Later? Kind of like that” he explained.

McCain gave more details on our new predicament in the Middle East, “Unfortunately, the terrorists have mutated from a simple Axis of Evil into Super-Villains, who have an unquenchable thirst for destruction. Our only chance of stopping the hate spoors from reaching America is to release the ultimate fighting machine... T-Rex."

President Bush has thrown his power behind the plan saying, “Our last hope of ensafening the Middle East and securing McCain’s seat in office is to let T-Rex do justice unto the people of Iraq.” As of this morning, scientists have unveiled their genetically re-created dinosaurs who have already begun intensive dissident eating training.

Bush Endorses Obama; How Typical

Just when Senator Barack Obama's lead in the polls and popularity seemed out of control, McCain and Palin pull out their trump card. Is it luck, or is it just Team Maverick? Their campaign strategy of standing up to the greedy Washington elite with systematic fist shaking and crotchety reprimands have finally paid off. McCain's unique brand of ornery scolding has visibly flustered big-spending out-of-touch-politicians, driving notorious figures to publicly support a less righteous candidate. On Monday, President Bush shocked the world by endorsing Senator Obama, which resulted in an immediate boost in McCain’s sliding numbers in the polls.

The announcement came in the wake of a slew of endorsements for the highbrow Illinois senator. Critics claim that this will prove to the American people that McCain is a Washington-outsider who stands up to the business-as-always politicians, even republicans. “See! McCain really socked it to the pork-bellies this time, not even cronies like Powell and Bush like him,” said a Joel Smole, a senior McCain/Palin campaign strategist. “Polls show that 85% of voters will vote opposite of Bush. The Mavericks have out Mavericked themselves this time,” Smole explained with a smirk.

One of the most notable Obama endorsements came from former Secretary of State Colin Powell, one of the few members of the Bush cabinet who has retained credibility, despite his dark skin. McCain strategists were thrilled with his announcement until they noted that Powell got a little carried away by criticizing McCain’s erratic handling of the financial crisis and mean-spirited campaign tactics. Luckily, Powell was easily discredited seeing that he is clearly a reverse racist, a claim proven by his long-time friendship and association with Condoleezza Rice.

Other high profile republicans were quick to associate themselves with the likeminded power-monger Barack Obama. Conservative heavyweight, Ken Adelman, a long-time chum of Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Wolfowitz, plans to support a democrat for the first time in his life. “I never thought that a republican candidate would shake up Washington so much with his relentless pursuit of democracy and reform; I’m going for the most corrupt and egocentric candidate, Obama,” Adelman explained. This was just after Christopher Buckley cut ties with the National Review and nearly made his father rollover in his grave when he leaped “into the Barack Obama Bandwagon.” “McCain is a man of the people, a Joe the Plumber kind-of-guy. Sorry National Review, but I’m voting for a Washington-insider who panders to big lobbyists,” Buckley announced in The Daily Beast.

Many wonder if the freshly powdered McCain/Palin ticket is enough to win the election. With other Obama endorsements from degenerates like Eminem, power-hungry Eric Schmidt (CEO of Google), and the stereotypically rich-white-businessman Warren Buffet, many predict a landslide victory for McCain.

Cat Squashed by Car

Haddy "Fluffy Pants", born in a Tucson alley May, 2001 to Buttons and some one-eyed alley Calico, went suddenly to Jesus on October 16th, 2008. She was survived by her loving litters (from before she got fixed), One-eye Jr., Princess Lady Cat, Mr. Fraggle Tooth, Joe the Cat, Sparkles, Moses, Cuddles, and Steve; grandchildren, Bella, Mittens, Lucky, Sha-Ney-Ney, Trinity; Brother/Uncle Rocco. Most of all Haddy will be missed by her loving owner Mildred Pabelsmear, a lonely matron with an affinity for felines. Haddy had a rotund and docile countenance, perhaps due to her love of Fancy Feast and leisure. Thank you, Haddy, for your short life and sorry you got pancaked.

The following is a message from a reader. Her message is untouched--a plea to people everywhere to learn from Haddy’s oozing demise.

Hi Friends,

Last night I dealt with a small tragedy.

On my way home from the gala last night, I encountered some road kill. Normally, I would just drive by it--like anyone would--but when I passed it, I noticed it looked like something other than a squirrel or raccoon. That’s because it was a cat!!! It was really upsetting, and I really didn't want to just leave it there. After some thought, I decided to drive back around the block and investigate the accident scene.

So, I parked near the cat, and I looked it over. Next to its body lay its tags and its bell, which had been flattened in the hit and run. It was definitely dead and had blood coming from its mouth.

It was a sad sight, and I didn't want anyone else to squish its broken body even more. So, I decided that since it was domesticated, it was probably okay to pick it up and move it.

I picked it up. It was still (sniff, sniff) warm. I was contemplating where to put when I decided to just lay it on the grass near where it was hit. I was going to call the owner listed on the tag when a girl came out of a nearby apartment. She said, "What is it? What was hit?" I said, "Someone hit a cat." Another lady, clad in a moo-moo, came out behind her and said, "What cat?! Oh my god! That's Haddy!" She ran toward it, dropped to her knees, and started cradling its limp body. She was crying hysterically. At this point, I started crying myself. I couldn't take it! What a poor kitty!

Lessons learned:If you have a domesticated animal, never let it out of your sight, or it could die under the cold cold wheels of a car.

If you are a driver, don’t be an irresponsible jerk or you’ll have God to answer to.

Signed,

A Cat Lady

Bail Out Passes: Lucifer Foiled...This Time

On Thursday Democrats and Republicans were able to cross party lines and come together to bail out the failed US banking system. After Congress was unable to pass the $700 billion bill last week, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke warned of impending doom to all those who didn’t heed their predictions, which they divined in their super-complicated top-secret meetings. This week Congress finally stopped pointing fingers and asking questions in order pass a bill that will undoubtedly "shore-up" our economy and save every American from a lifetime of destitution and unspeakable pain.

After some powerful testimonials and speeches, both sides refrained from thinking through the bill any further. The American people had had enough of questions like, "How does this solve the root problems that caused this economic crash," and "Hasn't history shown that bail outs encourage a culture of corporate inefficiency and hinder our economy from healing in the long run?" Luckily, that kind of filibustering non-sense was left to sillies like Ron Paul who sadly was unable to attend after he wondered off and got stuck in a bathroom stall.

The most moving speeches came from some Lost Boys of Lehman Brothers. The Lost Boys had been spotted peddling designer suits and begging for gas to fill up their Maseratis all over Wall Street. They have become a symbol of the utter despair that has swept the American banking industry. "Why us? You saved everyone else, everyone not but us? Promise that you won't let another investment bank burn, never again, never again. Look what’s become of us, ohh the humanity," pleaded Richard Fuld (Chairman of Lehman Brothers), "Please Mr. Paulson, I'm sorry I didn't invite you to my Island in the Bahamas, I thought the government only gave 3 weeks vacation a year."

McCain was the first to express his gratitude for his own leadership in swooping in to save the economy. Just like he didn’t leave prison camp before all the other POWs were freed, he didn’t leave Washington until the bill was passed. Most notably he stalled his presidential campaign to convince his Republican and Democrat friends that the bill was essential in shoring-up the economy, saving those concerned about health care and Iraq, and guarding the middle class from the apocalypse. Sarah Palin, was quick to pipe up with her approval, "Senator McCain has rallied the big-wigs of Congress brought them together to divert the land from parting and the flames of hell from consuming us all." Though fiscal conservatives remain grumpy, their dreams of lowering the national deficit are no longer attainable; most have resigned to guffawing rudely and grumbling profanities.

Obama has also humbly taken a few crumbs of credit for the momentous passing of the bill, "This, America, is Change. The kind of Change that Bernanke can print at will...Mark my words, now the Fed's balance sheet will never be the same." Joe Biden, was also quick to back up his running mate by saying, “Don’t worry, America, there’s plenty more socialist reforms where that came from.”

That Crazy Hobo on the Subway was Right

New York, New York—Old Man Sanders has been a fixture of the Union Square subway stop for the last 20 years. He has a bench that he fervently defends and an area where he stores his assorted cans and chachkis. He makes quite a spectacle of himself with prolonged and garbled rants about the government, Vietnam, and the super spyware which the government is currently using to track him and everyone else who isn’t “one of them.”

Sanders has taken refuge in the safety of the underground metro stations where super sonic satellite beams cannot reach him. Though he doesn’t consider himself a hero, he has dedicated his life to warning the people of New York about the evils being done upon them by their very own elected officials, families, and anyone who wears a watch. “They have the computer chips…garble garble…in your credit cards and they are linked to Their underwater facilities in the Hudson,” he explained to reporters. “Radio Frequency Identification Detectors can read your mind…GET OFF MY BENCH whitie,” he relayed as large droplets of spittle were launched at reporters.

When Daily Grind got wind of the allegations espoused daily by Mr. Sanders, we had our unpaid intern investigate via the “inter-webs.” It wasn’t until she read multiple articles from sources such as New York Times, Scientific American, and US Weekly that she learned that RFIDs, phone-tracking technology, and satellites are not just instruments of wily science fiction writers—they are real. As it turns out, IBM has patented technology which will eventually track our every move! Our intern’s internet research also revealed that this technology is just a piece of IBM’s master plan to enslave humanity, bring it to its knees, and to finally be recognized as more than a just an old washed-up company with no good ideas. Whether IBM ever manages to not suck is unclear, but what is clear, is that Old Man Sanders deserves your doggie bag, not a dollar because he’ll spend it on booze, but seriously, give him that half sandwich.

Sleeper-Hold Bandit Caught

New York-- On Wednesday afternoon, 23 year-old Eddie Richards was taken into custody by the New York Police Department after over a month of complaints being submitted to NYPD and the local neighborhood watch. Richards had been classified as a level-two Bully after taking a Martial Arts class, learning the Sleeper Move, then trying it on locals.

As of early June, Richards took a Karate/Tae/Judokwondo or one of those Far East martial arts classes at the local YMCA. Though he was told that he would learn the “Three D's of Asian Fighting Arts” (Discipline, Determination, Danger), he actually learned none of them. He began his path down the path of mastering the Three D's Asian Fighting Arts with gusto when he was dubbed a Shiro-Obi, or, "white belt." By the third class, when he had not broken a cinder block with his bare hand or defeated a band of anonymous ninjas with some roundhouse kicks, he grew disillusioned. His instructor Ken Smith, it seemed, was more concerned with teaching safety and discipline, than actual Jackie Chan shit.

Richards began to realize that Ken was probably not going to impart any Mr. Miyagi wisdom onto him. "The only reason I came to the 4th class was cause chicks dig guys with ninja moves." It was also in the fourth class that the sub-par martial arts instructor, Ken, showed the group of yokels off the street, the Sleeper-Move. When Daily Grind Reporters asked Smith why he would teach the Sleeper Move to students who were not yet ripe for the forbidden fruits of ancient Judo moves, Smith replied, "I am just a teacher, I can’t make them learn anything, they do that themselves.” The manager of the YMCA chimed in, "These people are like bricks, the chances of them actually retaining information is very low. I think we should be amazed that that low-life Eddie as able to apply lessons to real life."

However, Eddie's 8 victims have expresses very different feelings. "I was selecting a deodorant at Walgreens when all of a sudden I hear 'Its pay-time Johnny,' then someone tries strangling me from behind...next thing I know, I wake up curled up on the floor clutching a stick of Old Spice," recounted Eddie's brother Johnny Richards. "He is an asshole and a loser," Johnny spouted.

Though no formal charges have been brought against Richards, "he is in for an ass-beating," explained neighbors and friends. It seems that justice has been taken into the hands of locals instead of burdening the over-crowded judicial system. Richard's mother agreed that community punishment is the way to go when she formally stated, "that dead-beat son of mine needs to a swift kick in the ass and a job."

10-Second Rule is Now the 2-Minute Rule

Tallahassee, Florida - Fifth-grader Andy Sanders of Kate Sullivan Elementary School, has extended the popular 10-Second Rule to 2 minutes. His discovery came after months of grueling lunch-time research that culminated in a first-place science project in December. Not only did he win first-place, but he also got a $50 gift certificate to the Discovery Store, where he has reportedly found nothing fun to buy.

When reporters tracked down the pudgy 11-year old, he was snacking on fruit-roll-ups and go-gurts in the playground, just like any normal kid; however, he is far from ordinary. Sanders has single-handedly thrown the world on its head with his breakthrough science, reevaluating the real-life usability of dropped food. Sanders knew in his gut that food dropped on the ground for more than 10 seconds was still fine to eat. He just needed the science to prove it to the world and to his persnickety mother. And that's exactly what young Sanders has accomplished.

Scientists everywhere are flabbergasted by Sanders' simple yet ingenious use of science. "What would take adults thousands of dollars in equipment and several working drafts of a scientifically formatted paper, Sanders has accomplished with packed lunches and big piece of cardboard with his magnificent methodology pasted to it," says Harry Birchenstienburg of Colombia University. "This discovery could very possibly solve the world's starvation problem. Most people starve due to strict adherence to the 10-second rule, but no more. Thank you Andy Sanders," said Ban Ki-moon, the United Nations Secretary General.

The methodology was a user-friendly system of direct sampling of foods that had spent varied times on the filthy floor of the school cafeteria. The recipient's bodily reaction was then analyzed by assigning categories such as "puking", "gagging", and "downing it." Some parents of the subjects involved in the experiment protested, claimed their children had reported upset stomachs. However, after the project blew the worlds’ mind, all angry phone calls to Sanders' mother and teacher were canceled.

Scientists Determine that Halloween is the Best Holiday

LONDON--The Cambridge Department of Holiday Excellence has released the findings of a three-year study. After an extensive evaluation of iconic holidays such as Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Eid Al-Kabir, and the Chinese New Year, it was decided that Halloween "is hands down the coolest day in on the celebratory calendar."

Professor Harry Foley, an acclaimed expert on sojourns and festivities, flew in from the south of France to partake in the historic holiday examinations. "I simply couldn't get into Christmas, too many expectations…get me presents, put up lights, be witty in front of relatives…it just wasn't merry," he explained. Foley did, however, favor Kwanza "I still don't really know what it involves, and I guess freedom is what I look for in merriment."

The five-member team of experts first met September of 2004 and has been heartily enjoying the holiday seasons since. While resting from the jamboree, the scientist poured over a 300-page report that outlines the pros and cons of every event. Some pros included bashes, gifts, and hugs, while cons included fruitcake, senile relatives, and the Wallgreens decoration aisle.

The decision to crown Halloween as the victorious holiday came only last Friday as the team met to discuss their upcoming costume selections. It was decided that Halloween is a day for all, whether it be the children, the elderly, the dead, middle aged couples who like to entertain, rowdy dudes, and girls who like to dress slutily sometimes. "I have already decorated my house with ghosts and gory dead-people. Then I will wait until dark, invite young children in and offer them a feast of candy," relayed one professor creepily.

When Halloween enthusiasts got wind of Cambridge's decision, The Daily Grind was there to get their reactions. "LOL, I can't wait to be like a sailor, except one that wears red fishnets and stiletto heals," said an Alpha Beta Phi member who is currently in the planning stages of "like the biggest Halloween party EVER." "Halloween is the only time anyone knocks on my door, I hope this article will increase this years number of visitors," said Dick Rodgers, who kind of looks like a pedophile. Another Halloween zealot has vowed to make this the best Halloween in the world's history as a commemoration of the holliday beating Christmas and Hanukah. She said, "I am going to wear the funniest costume, I haven't thought of it yet, but its gonna be soooo fuckin funny that you are going to shit your pants, dude...I mean literally."